infants growth

Infants come into the world not knowing how to do anything. All needs need to be taken care of by the parents and other significant adults in the child's life. As the child grows the child meets certain milestones and slowly starts to learn to do things on their own. For example an infant learns to roll over from their back to their stomach. The first few times this is done it's done by mistake and usually the infant has pushed up against a toy or furniture to help them roll over. This may scare an infant the first few times they do it, but then they learn to do it on purpose and they learn it's a natural thing to do.

The first year of a child's life is about learning how their body works and how to move it. The parents roll in the first year is to make sure the child's basic needs are met and that they're safe. Making sure a child's basic needs are met means feeding, changing diapers, cuddling and playing with them etc. Making sure they're safe means having a car seat that meets regulations, outlets are covered and that they have a safe environment for them to move around in that will help them meet the milestones they need to meet during the first year.

A milestone infants reach is babbling. Babbling and making sounds is the beginning of vocabulary and speaking. It starts with an infants cries. Infants have four cries that help them express what they want. The first one is the basic cry that has intervals of silence such as a child stops when they see the bottle, but if the parent doesn't give it to them right away they start crying again. The second cry is the angry cry that occurs when an infant is angry about something. The third cry is the pain cry that is usually a long wail followed by the infant not breathing because they're holding their breathe. The fourth cry is the hungry cry and it has an urgency to it.

A lot of times as children are taking the initiative to meet a milestone parents freak out because the child is still dependent on them. Where children come into the world not knowing how to do anything parents forget that children need to learn to do things for themselves and often it takes a doctor, caregiver or extended family member to ask if the child is doing something for the parent to realize that the child should be doing the task themselves. Don't feel guilty it's a pattern all parents fall into because parent's are so used to doing everything for the child. Therefore, we forget that the child should be learning to feed themselves, pull themselves to a standing position, walk around a table holding onto for it support etc.

When my child was three I was folding the laundry and started to put her clothes away like I always had since she was born when I realized she was old enough to start doing this for herself. I stopped putting her clothes away and called her into the room and taught her how to put her clothes away. Parents shouldn't be afraid of letting their children do things for themselves. When children learn to do things for themselves such as roll over they learn the beginnings of how to move their bodies. When a child learns how to put their clothes away they learn the basics of organization. All  parents get in the rut of doing everything for their children because in the beginning we have to. As they grow and become capable of doing more themselves let them be the capable human beings they are. Often the tantrums that start around the age one begin and occur because the parents are still trying to do too much for them instead of letting the child do more on their own.

Goals parents have for children vs children's goals

The goals parents have for their children can differ from the goals the children have for themselves. Goals are reinforced by parents and challenged by children. The goals children have for themselves change as they are exposed to friends, their community and even the media. Goals also change as children learn what they're good at and what interests them. For example a parent may want a child to be interested in playing a sport when the child is interested in the theater. The things parents want their children to be interested in can also pertain to food. I had a parent once tell me she wanted her child to like peas because she did. A child will like the kinds of foods and extracurricular activities that they will like and it's the responsibility of the parents to encourage and talk to the child about how they can help the child reach the goals they have.

I've been dealing with this some lately. My child just started college last week. During the process of applying I asked a sibling to help my child fill out a few forms that were complicated. I asked this sibling to help because it was related to what they do for a living so I knew it would be easier for this sibling to help than for me and my child to try to figure it out ourselves. Asking the sibling to help though became the sibling helping my child accomplish what my sibling wants for my child.

My siblings are really happy and excited for my child and where she's going to college and see a bright future for her, because it is. However, my siblings help became an 'I'm so happy and excited for her I'm going to make it all happen for her,' situation. It became 'I want this for her and this for her and since I know what I'm doing I'm going to do it all for her and she'll accomplish and be everything I want her to be and do.'

My child's future isn't about what my siblings want for her and them helping her accomplish it. My child's future is about what she wants to do and be and accomplish and her doing and being and accomplishing those things. She's going to a good school that will help her with all of that. Sometimes in our excitement and happiness for our children (or someone else's) we go overboard trying to help them accomplish what we see their path opening up to be. Our children's future's are about them, not us as the parents, grandparents, aunts or uncles. We can support and as parents it's our responsibility to guide, help and support our children to accomplish their goals. The key words and phrase though is their goals. When we make our children's future about us (or when another person makes a child's future about them) we risk doing damage to our relationship with them that we need to be sure we want to do. We also risk the child having a future they're not happy in and with.

Support, guide and help your children become who they want to become and accomplish what they want to accomplish in life because their lives are about them not the parents.

Father's

I've been thinking lately about two of my co-workers at the first center I worked at. One was a single mother of three children who slept around at lot and would bring these men home to be around her children. The other one was married to her husband for a number of years and shortly after she had her third child left him. She would talk about how stupid he was and how he didn't know how to do anything. She talked about how she wanted her freedom and to be able to sleep with whoever she wanted. From what I saw when he would come and pick his children up he was a good person. He was kind and sweet. She would talk about how he helped out at home and would let her sleep in while he took the kids. When she told me she left him I not only was shocked but mad. How could she leave this man who was so good to her? We often talk about how it's the man who does the woman wrong and how women leave because the man is no good. This wasn't the case in this situation. I was mad because she had no clue what her life as a single parent was about to become. She had no idea what she had in her husband and what a good person he was and how she was making it so that it would never be possible to make things right as far as she could.

Why do women do this? Why do they sleep with every man who comes along and put these men in our children's lives and leave a good relationship so that we can have freedom and sleep with anyone we want? Our children need their father's. They're important. We can be strong, independent women and still- for lack of another way to put it- need a man.

I've also been thinking lately of one specific father. He was the father of one of the children I had at the second center I worked at. Their child was their first and for financial reasons the wife needed to work. It was really hard on her because she wanted to be home with their child and couldn't be. One day he came to me and told me how much he appreciated everything I was doing to help his wife through having to have their child there at the center.  He told me how I had made things easier for her and it was making having to go to work easier on her. He told me about his struggle that his wife had to work and how badly he felt that she had to work because he couldn't provide for them so that she could. He thanked me for everything I was doing to make it easier for her. This man was almost in tears. I could see how much he loved his wife and how it hurt him that he couldn't provide well enough yet to have her home with their child. Father's struggle with many of the same things mother's do. Yet it seems like the mother's get more support.

 I told this father that I was glad that I was making things easier for his wife and him and told him to let me know what else I could to help and support his family because that's what I was there to do. Father's need support too because so many of them are trying really hard to be good husbands and father's. What I do is make provide a safe, nurturing place for children to be while their parents are at work. Who I hopefully am is someone parents can trust with their children so they can go to work, do what they need to and not worry about their children.

Park Etiquette

Sorry I haven't posted in so long. I finished a bachelor's degree in early childhood education administration in April and since then I've been working on a book about parenting and putting parenting classes together to teach. This has kept me busy. I'm at the point where I'm cleaning up the classes and will be able to put the technical part of teaching them together so I can actually teach them.

Today the little boy I take care of during the day and I went to the park. There was a group of moms sitting on the grass while their children played. However, they weren't paying any attention to them. They were sitting on the grass talking and not supervising their children. One of the children pushed another child playing at the park and one child stood at the swing screaming the word, "mom' for ten minutes before the mom came over to see what the child wanted. Parents, I understand you need 'mommy' time and need to have a conversation with someone who can talk in more than a two or three word sentence, but please don't ignore your children. The park is a great place to take your children and let them play and get their energy out but they still need supervision.

Unspoken rules of park:
1. Supervise your children
2. Discipline your children when needed
3.Take turns on equipment including slides, swings and other equipment
4. If you bring a toy from home be willing to share it

Thank you!

Teaching Children About the World

It can be difficult to teach children everything they need to know about the world and the way it works. There is a lot to teach them and despite what parents may think it is the responsibility of the parents to teach their children how the world works and how to navigate it. It's not something they have to do on their own though. There is help from community, church, extended family.

It's important to have the hard conversations with children that need to happen. If parents don't have them, others will and children may learn a perspective the parents don't agree with. For example have the conversation about drugs. It's not just enough to tell children not to do drugs which is what a lot of parents do. The next step needs to be taken and parents need to explain why drugs shouldn't be done. Explain what drugs do to people and what coming off of them does. Educate your children. Don't just leave it up to the school to do. Take time to have the conversation of why you as the parent don't think they should be done and the harm they can cause people, friends and family. Educate your children.

Some hard conversations parents should have with their children:
Drugs
Sex
Stranger danger
Under age drinking
Smoking

These are just some examples however, there are many more. Take time to tell your children what you think about these issues and any others that may come up. It will be hard and awkward but it will be worth it because then they know where you stand on any issue and why. Until you explain to them where you stand on an issue and why they don't and won't care that it's something you tell them not to do. Parents need to explain why.

Teaching Feelings

It's hard to explain to a toddler how someone else feels. It's hard to explain to a toddler how they feel. Toddlers feel things very intensely and when adults laugh at them it only makes them angry. If an adult were feeling angry or sad no one would laugh at them, so no matter how hard it is not to laugh.....don't. When it's over if you need to step into another room and laugh, do, but don't do it in front them. It makes them feel bad and it comes across as an adult doesn't care about them or how they're feeling.

Below is a link that talks about toddlers and emotions. Emotions need to be taught like anything else. When a child gets angry something like, "I know that makes you angry but your friend is playing with the toy right now. When they're done it will be (use child's name) turn." When a child feels sad say, "I know it makes you sad when Mom/Dad leave, but they'll be back after (nap, snack time, afternoon outdoor time etc.)." Name the emotion the child is feeling so that they understand what they're feeling. It will help them understand what anger, sadness, happiness and all the other emotions are and what they feel like.

Here's the link:

Generosity Misunderstood Through a Toddler's Eyes

teaching compassion

Teaching compassion to children can be tricky but it's important. Most children under five are naturally compassionate and it's a virtue that needs to be nurtured as they grow older. Modeling how to be compassionate is the easiest way to teach compassion. Children watch everything an adult does so showing compassion to your spouse, to your friends and most importantly to your children will teach them how to be compassionate.

NAEYC  has ten tips for teaching compassion, however, I don't agree with all of them. The one I don't agree with is number three. Where puppets are a part of most child care center rooms not all children like them. Some children are afraid of puppets and to teach compassion using one could frighten a child. Therefore, it would be more compassionate not to use one. Be aware of a child's reaction to puppets and if they're afraid of them don't use this approach.

Here's the link if anyone is interested in reading the article:
10 tips for raising a compassionate infant-toddler