Keeping children from feeling shame and doubt

If the adult's in a child's life don't allow the child to learn how to do things on their own, a child can feel shame and doubt about their abilities to carry any activity out because they've been taught they are incapable and need adults to do things for them.

In order to keep a child from feeling shame and doubt about doing any type of activity, parents need to teach children what they can do and how to do it, not that they can't. Parents who teach their children learned helplessness will eventually get to the point where they decide when their children are old enough to do certain tasks and activities on their own. For example, a parent will decide that age three a child is old enough to get a snack on their own and won't help them get a snack anymore. When parents decide these types of tasks for children they're usually not age appropriate and unreasonable.

When parents decide a child is old enough to do a certain task they tell the child to go do the task and often the child doesn't know how to do what's been asked because the parents have always done it for them. The child tells the parents they don't know how to do what's being asked and the parent gets mad because all of  a sudden the child is old enough and smart enough to do what's being asked. Parents get angry with the child when they have no reason to get angry with them. How is the child supposed to know how to do what's asked, when the parents haven't taught them how to do what was asked?

For example, if a parent decides a child is old enough and smart enough to do the laundry and asks their child to go start a load of laundry but the parents haven't taught the child how to do the laundry, how is the child supposed to know how to do the laundry? Out of frustration the parent tells the child, "You know how to do the laundry, now go do it." So the child does the laundry and WRONG and the parent get MAD, but the parent has no reason to be mad. The parent hasn't taken the time to TEACH the child how to the laundry, yet, expects them to know how to and CORRECTLY.

When a parent expects a child to do a task like the above example and expects their children to do it without them taking the time to teach them how to do it, causes a child to feel shame and doubt. They feel shame because they did the laundry wrong and they feel doubt because they feel like because they didn't do the laundry right that they won't be able to do anything right. So parents please take the time to TEACH you're children how to do things. Don't just expect them to know how to do something because they've seen you do it or you've decided they're old enough and smart enough to know how to do something. Take the time to teach them, to build their self-confidence and the frustration both parents and children feel will lessen.

Shame and doubt

An important part of developing self-esteem is not saying or doing things that will cause your children to feel shame or doubt. Parents who make their children feel shame or doubt about trying to do something on their own are more likely to struggle with independent tasks and can learn learned helplessness. Things a parent may say to a child to cause shame or doubt are, "You're not old enough for that swing yet, you're not old enough to try the monkey bars, etc." These statements come from parents telling their children they're not old enough to do whatever task the parent has decided they're not old enough to do and therefore capable of.

A different way to phrase or handle a situation when a child wants to do an activity they may not be developmentally ready for yet, is first of all to keep the activities age appropriate. However, this can be difficult when the activities surrounding the child may not always be age appropriate. For example, if a parent takes a child to the park and they want to do the monkey bars, instead of telling the child they can't do it, help them do it instead. A parent puts the child on the monkey bars and tells the child to hold on, then the parent can either try having the child do the  monkey bars as they "fly" the child from bar to bar or a parent can teach the child how to actually do the monkey bars by holding onto them. The parent can hold onto the child's body and then instruct the child. For example, the parent can say, "Reach your right arm to the second bar, now do your left arm."

More than likely the child will not be able to reach the bars because their arms won't be long enough which is why a parent can "fly" the child from one bar to the next. The child is going to see that they can't do it and stop and ask to be put down and go do another activity because they're going to see for themselves it's an activity they can't do yet unless a game is made out of it like "lets fly from bar to bar."

The example of the monkey bars is an example of when a child finds a way to do an activity using the parents help. If the child is stubborn and doesn't want help, usually one of two things need to be done. Either the child is going to in fact see for themselves they can't accomplish what they're trying to do and give up until they're older and want to try again, or the parent may have to say, "Look, this isn't something you can do yet, let's come over here and do this instead," and deal with the emotion of anger or frustration that the child is experiencing because they can't do a task yet that they want to be able to do.

An activity like learning the monkey bars can teach a child learned helplessness because if a parent isn't letting their children try tasks on their own, the child will learn learned helplessness. Any time a parent tells a child they can't do something and to let someone else do it for them, the parent is teaching learned helplessness. If the adults in children's lives don't allow the child to learn how to do things on their own and be independent, the child will feel shame and eventually doubt their abilities to carry out any activity because they've been taught they're incapable and need adults to do everything for them. The feelings of shame and doubt cause the development of self-esteem to be negative not positive.

Bubble parenting

In providing a healthy environment where children can grow and develop it's important to children's development that parents not teach a child the only safe place for them is at home and that anytime they enter the world, particularly without a parent, that something BAD will happen to them because the world is an unsafe place.

It's the responsibility of the parents to teach their children about the world and how to navigate and survive it. Parents need to tell children about things and people in the world that will harm them and what to do  when they encounter them. If parent's don't, the world will teach them and in ways more unpleasant and harsher than the parent would.

I call this type of parenting bubble parenting because the parent thinks if they raise their children in a bubble and protect them from all  the things in the world that would harm them, that those things won't affect their children. However, bad parts of the world do affect all children and if parents don't teach their children how to handle these situations, they don't know how to handle them and can get themselves into a lot of trouble.

One of two things can happen to the relationship of parents and children when parents are bubble parenting. One, the child cuts the strings on their own and enters the world learning how to navigate it on their own and possibly puts conditions on their relationship with their parents or two, these children are the children who as adults are living at home with their parents because they've been taught the only safe place in the world for them is at home with their parents.

Bubble parenting affects a child's self-esteem because they learn to be dependent on their parents all of their lives and never develop the self-esteem to embark on their own and try new things because of their fear of failure of whatever BAD thing is out there waiting for them. So parents please, don't raise your children in a bubble. Teach them the things about the world they need to know to live in it and encourage them and teach them how to be people who give back to the world they live in.

Accomplishments viewed in relation to child's unique self

Each child's efforts, abilities and accomplishments should be viewed in relation to each child's unique development and personality. Parents need to remember one of their children may be good at ballet, one good at football and another good at organizing. It's important to remember that each child's talents are different  and to help instill in each child a belief that a child can learn and succeed regardless of the child's status, personality, learning struggles or behavior. A parent first needs to believe this of each of their children in order to instill it in their children. Children feel whether their parents believe in them by the way they treat and talk to them. A way to increase the belief that every child can succeed is for parents to avoid using words that label a child. Children shouldn't be labeled shy, trouble maker etc. because labels can become expected behavior for children by the adults and the children themselves by the adult's in their lives labeling them.

A central message to ideas we have is that children respond to their external environment. If the environment is negative children can develop a negative view of themselves and their future. For example, my daughter went to elementary school with a boy that was labeled as a trouble maker and someone who wasn't very capable. He started to become a trouble maker and not put effort into his school work until the fourth grade, when the teacher this boy and my daughter had, taught the boy these other teachers were wrong.  She treated this boy like he was smart and capable and he improved in behavior and academically. Children will become what is expected of them. If children have a negative environment, they will see themselves and their future in negative ways. If a child is given a positive environment, they will see themselves and their future in positive ways.

Providing a trusting environment is an important aspect of self-esteem in order for a child to develop in positive ways. Key people in a child's life-meaning parents, siblings, caregivers etc. need to meet the needs of a child so the child can trust these key people in their lives. If that trust isn't built, it can have devastating effects on the child because they've already started to learn they're not worthy of being taken care of. These children learn to mistrust people and the world. It causes them to have a low self-esteem and effects what they accomplish. So please parents, provide your children with a positive environment and instill in each of them a belief in themselves that they can learn and succeed in the goals they have.  

Two fundamental ideas to affirmation

An important part of being a parent is believing in what a child can become. A belief in what children can become helps build children's self-esteem. Children need to know that their parents, caregivers, siblings etc. believe in them. Parents need to have a deep faith that their children can learn, grow, mature and develop. This faith needs be developed in children so that they know for themselves that they can learn, grow, mature and develop in positive ways. Teaching a child to have this kind of confidence in themselves and their abilities is a hard thing to do, takes many years and a parent reiterating these things over and over to their children.

One thing that parents can do to establish a belief and confidence in their children is to accept their children for who they are. Accept your children's personality, temperament, behavior skills and abilities. Every child is different and they need to be loved and accepted for those differences, not told to be someone different.

There are two fundamental ideas to affirmation. Affirmation is a statement that is declared to be true, confirmation or validated. For example, if a parent tells a child they're good at making jewelry the statement, "You are good at making jewelry," is an affirmation to the parents belief that the child is good at making jewelry.

The first fundamental idea to affirmation is valuing uniqueness. The second idea is not expecting a child to be like others.This critical view affirms each child's uniqueness and makes it important for parents not to compare children to other children in their family or other families or children in their classroom. When parents compare children to others they send the message that who the child is, is somehow wrong and not valued which causes children to feel they aren't loved-particularly for who they are. The message is sent that they need to be like someone else, whether that be the next door neighbor, the child in youth group, one of their friends or someone in popular culture in order to be someone who is liked, loved and accepted. When this message is sent it's not the child who is wrong, it's the adult sending this message to the child who is wrong.

Be your child's loudest, biggest cheerleader! Cheer them on, pick them up, dust them off and tell them to try again and support and help them in any way you can. Tell them they can do it, why you know they can do it and help them succeed! Invest in your children. Invest in their abilities, their talents and their future. It will be the best investment you ever make! It will also grow their self-esteem in a way that nothing else can or will.

Self-awareness is related to self-esteem

Self-awareness is related to self-esteem. Self-awareness emerges between fifteen and eighteen months as children begin to realize they're a separate person from their parents. Self-awareness is a part of self-esteem as children come to understand that who they are is a good person and they can feel good about themselves even though they are a separate person from their parents and siblings and have different talents.

During the toddler years children develop a sense of their separateness to their environment and others. It's also during this time frame that children sense their ability to influence others and their environment. Toddlers realize they can cry and get the attention of their parents or a sibling, they can reach for someone when they need them, and eventually can move to whoever they want to go see. Toddlers start to realize and understand they can be in the living room while their parents can be in the kitchen and that they are separate from their parents but have the self-esteem to know that they are all right and can get the parents attention if they need it. Toddlers also start to realize they can move objects from one place to another (example, a toy from the toy box to play with) or can move an object to another room (example, favorite toy from bed to kitchen). Toddlers then realize and begin to understand they have some control over their environment and the people in it. As children begin to develop self-awareness and understand that they can do things for themselves such as move an object by themselves, feed themselves, move from one room to another this starts to develop their self-esteem because "I did it!" and children aware they did it by themselves.

Forces of self-image

The development of self-image is a progressive tension between two contradictory forces. These forces were developed by Francis Wardle and are: the way the world views the child-meaning physical features, behaviors, temperament etc and the way the child views themselves.

The assessment of these two forces-the view of who we are and what we can do is self-esteem. Self-esteem is self-image with the added use of a child's opinion of their self-image. A child's self-image is whether they see themselves as good or bad, strong or  weak, effective or ineffective, assertive or passive. Every person has a way they view themselves in these areas and it affects the way one sees and feels about themselves.

Where the way a child sees themselves is different than the way parents, siblings or others see them is why developing self-esteem is tricky and hard. It's hard to help someone see themselves the way others do and I'm not sure it's possible. Where a child sees themselves different than others do is why it's important for parents to develop a healthy self-esteem in their children. It's why the things they say to their children and the way they treat them is important and why the statements need to encourage children and build their self-esteem, not destroy it. It's why parents need to guide children through an activity they may see as difficult, not write the activity off as something the child can't do. Over the next month or two I'll discuss self-esteem, aspects of it and how to develop a positive self-esteem in children.