Ways to Recognize A Child's Struggle For Autonomy

There are different ways to recognize a child's struggle for autonomy. One of the ways to recognize it is to support a child in developing autonomy by providing training, resources, modeling and supervision as children develop autonomy. A parent provides training and resources for developing autonomy as a child tells the parent they want to learn how to cook brownies and the parent gets the ingredients and teaches them how to make brownies.

A parent models the development of autonomy as they learn new things and their children see them putting effort into learning new things. A parent provides supervision to children as they develop autonomy as they don't let children use the oven to make brownies until they are old enough to.

I recognized my child's struggle for autonomy and used these methods to develop her autonomy. For example, when she was about ten years old I was doing the laundry and she asked me how to do the laundry. So I taught her how to do the laundry. I explained what I had already done as far as sorting between colors and whites and putting them in the laundry machine. I then explained each step as I was doing it. When it was time to put the next load in she wanted to do it. I recognized my child's struggle for autonomy by recognizing she wanted to learn how to do the laundry and teaching her how to. I used supervision with this as well as the first few times she did the laundry by herself I supervised her doing it so that it was done correctly. I didn't do it for her I supervised it and walked her through how to do it.

I used modeling to teach my child how to be autonomous because she was still young when I put myself through school and she saw my apply myself to finish school. She also saw me try new recipes for cooking as I came up with different meals for us to eat.

It's important for a parent to understand that the reason for developing autonomy is so that the child will develop positive self-esteem and so that children learn the skills the activity will teach them (i.e. how to do the laundry). Children need to know they can succeed at activities they do instead of learning they are dependent on their parents. Therefore, it's important that parents are not telling children they can't do something and continue to do everything for them and not give them the chance and opportunity to develop the ability to do things for themselves.

Developing Autonomy In Toddler's

To be autonomous a child need to be more interested in being independent and self-directed. They need to start choosing for themselves, what to play with, what they like and what they dislike. For toddlers, autonomy is about discovering a sense of self and who they are. When a child is attempting autonomy, adult interactions with children must be characterized by warmth, flexibility, respect and an understanding that children need to feel a sense of control most of the time.

This means when a child is doing something, they need encouragement to do whatever task they are trying to do. They need to know parents think they can do it and feel their parents believe in them. A parent needs to be respectful and encourage children and allow them to try, if not do the task themselves. To not allow children to try or do an activity on their own is disrespectful because it hurts their sense of self, tells them they are not capable of doing something and that they are not important enough to take the time to let them try to do it themselves because you are always in such a rush that mom/dad need to do it. A parent is telling a child they cannot do something. Giving children encouragement and finding time to allow them to do it and respecting them enough to let them do it, provides them with the sense of control that they need and they have control over what is happening to them and what they can do.

I developed autonomy in my child at this age by allowing her to pick out what shirt she wore with her pants, I would pick the pants and two shirts she could choose from or I would lay out a dress and an outfit for her to choose from. One of the hardest things I let her do at this age is learn how to drink from a cup by herself. I always wanted to do it for her and I would have nail prints in my hands from clutching my hands so hard to stop me from doing it for her. Did she make a mess, sure. But I would rather clean up the mess she made and let her learn how to do it than not allow her to learn a skill that was appropriate she learn and milestone she needed to hit. It was the same with teaching her how to put her coat on at this age. I would lay it on the floor with the hood facing her and taught her to put her arms in and throw the coat over her head to put it on.As she was just learning it took a few minutes and tries for her to do it but she learned how to put her coat on by herself.

Teaching autonomy is hard and frustrating but also awarding as your child starts to do things on their own and you see in their face the look of accomplishment.

Play and the Development of Initiative

Another part of developing initiative is play. Mildred Parten was a sociologist at the University of Minnesota Institute of Child Development. She developed six stages of social play which are: onlooker play which is  when children watch other children play but do not join in the play themselves, solitary play which is when children play alone, parallel play which is when children are playing side by side with one another but still focusing on themselves and what they're playing with, cooperative play which is when children will engage in activities with other children where they fully cooperate with one another and use roles and scripts and imaginative play which is when children make a shift in the way they view the world and learn to explore new concept skills and emotions.

In order for children to progress through the different play stages, a child needs to work through Erik Erikson's  stage of initiative vs. guilt. This stage is when a child either takes initiative to complete a task or feels guilty for doing it. For example, if a child gets a good grade on a spelling test and their best friend failed it, the child needs to work through this stage of being proud of themselves for taking the initiative to study and being prepared for it, rather than feeling guilty that they did well and their best friend didn't. Children need to understand they have nothing to feel guilty of. This is hard for a child to understand and to get over and it takes a long time, sometimes into adulthood for them to understand and work through the feelings of guilt they have.

When I was raising my child I had to help her work through this stage and even now that she's in college she still at times has to work through it again. When she was in preschool there was a lady who came from a dance studio to her preschool and gave children who enrolled dance lessons. She came twice a week and in the spring they put on a performance. My daughter showed talent in this dance class but there was someone in her class who saw this and was jealous of it and would say rude things about my daughter and her ability to dance. I had to help my daughter understand that it came from jealousy and a little bit of her being intimidated by my child's talent. I had to help her understand she didn't need to feel bad about being good at something or being better at something than someone else. I had to teach her that we all have things we're good at and bad at and that the child who was jealous of my child's talent in dance was probably better than my daughter at something but that didn't mean my child needed to feel badly about that.

A child who has developed a good sense of autonomy will understand they have done nothing wrong or to feel guilty of when they find they have done a task better than someone else. They took the initiative their friend or peer didn't and it paid off for them and there is nothing to feel guilty for about that. Developing initiative in a child is tricky and can be a harder task of parenthood. As parents allow their children to learn new things and give them opportunities to try new things and believe in their child's ability to achieve a goal makes establishing initiative in children easier. It starts small with children feeding themselves to learning to tie shoes to learning how to prioritize assignments and it's important children reach each goal of taking initiative. 

Stress, Aggression and the Development of Inititative

Helping to relieve stress and aggression leads to the development of initiative because as parents take pressure off their children to achieve a task that may be developmentally inappropriate this causes a child to pick a task they can accomplish. For example, when my child was growing up I taught her to help me clean the house. I chose chores for her though that were age and developmentally appropriate. For example, when I had her help me clean the bathroom I had her clean the mirrors and take out the trash. As she got older I taught her how to clean the sink, bathtub and toilet.

When a child is trying to do something that is too hard for them, they get frustrated and can become aggressive because of the stress on them to do something they cannot developmentally do yet. For example, my child wanted to try to vacuum the floor. The vacuum was too heavy for her to push so she couldn't do it yet. I let her try first so she knew she couldn't do it instead of telling her she couldn't. I let her try when it was still off so she knew it was too heavy for her. She got frustrated as she tried because she wanted to do it but couldn't do it yet because she didn't have the strength to push it yet. When she started to get frustrated I let her try for another minute and then suggested I do it while she went to go play. Vacuuming was the last thing that needed to be done in order to clean the house so I let her go play while I did it. I let her take the initiative to try to do vacuum and I let it frustrate her but not to the point that it lowered her self-esteem or made it so she never wanted to try to vacuum again or try anything at all.

Sometimes the expectation to take the initiative to achieve a goal comes from the parents and sometimes it is an unreasonable expectation the child has put on themselves. For example, my child always had to have an A in her classes, she didn't even like a minus to be behind the A it had to be an A or she was not happy. I told her it was okay that the minus was there and that it was okay for her to even have a B in a class but if she ever got one it was not something she liked and she had to turn it into an A by the next report card. This was ans expectation she put on herself. I know some parents put this expectation on their children but I never did. As she got into college though she did stop being so hard on herself and if she got a B she didn't worry about it the way she did in high school. The stress this caused her worried me and I would often tell her to stop being so hard on herself and let her know that my expectation was for her to have A's and B's. This is why it's important to keep expectations developmentally appropriate. When it's developmentally appropriate, the stress the child feels will go down and possibly away and they won't act out aggressively because the expectation has stayed where it can be reached.

Behaviors That Characterize Healthy Initiative

Behaviors that characterize healthy initiative include: love to create and invent. My child is a very artsy person, she has always loved to draw, paint etc and she has always loved to do it free handed. Where she has always been a creative person in this way I developed this type of initiative by having art supplies at home and let her decide whether she wanted to color, paint, draw etc and I let her decided what she wanted to draw. Another behavior that characterizes healthy initiative is to take action and asserting themselves physically and socially. I developed this type of initiative by taking her to the park and doing obstacle courses in the house when it was raining so that it challenged her physically. It  developed her initiative as she chose what structures she played on at the playground and some of those physically challenged her because of height until she grew tall enough that it was no longer a challenge. I developed her initiative socially as I put her different social situations such as child care, church, play dates, meeting the children of new neighbors etc.

Children develop initiative through challenging limitations and adult control. Where I never allowed my child to disrespect me I did let her challenge rules. For example, I let her challenge her bedtime in the summer vs her bedtime during the school year. She also challenged it as so got older by asking for a later bedtime and also by asking for her curfew to be changed as she got older. These were never arguments or control issues she would just come to me and ask if where she was older if it could change and we would discuss and agree to change it to what we could both agree to. Sometimes it would be me who started the conversation. For example the transition from elementary to middle school would need a later bed time. I told her what I thought was fair, she thought something else would be and we discussed it until an agreed time was decided.

Children can develop initiative through playing and interacting with their peers. This helps them practice the ability to say what they want to play etc. When my child had friends over and I could tell they were disagreeing about something I wouldn't jump in and solve it I would give them time to solve it on their own and only interfered if she asked me or it got really loud. This allowed her the opportunity to develop the initiative to voice her opinion and problem solve.

One last behavior that characterizes healthy initiative is when children practice initiative by taking risks, exploring new things and working hard at any effort they see themselves as being successful with. Children are concerned with the end product and acquiring the skill, not meeting expectations set by adults. For example, my child wanted to learn how to make jewelry so I found someone who would teach her. She didn't learn to do it because she wanted to go sell it and earn money from it was just a skill she wanted to learn. She wanted the knowledge of how to do it and has made a lot of her jewelry and mine. It was the self-concept of knowing how and putting the effort into learning how and enjoying the process of it because it relaxed her, not her becoming a pro at it or as I said selling it for money.

These are just some of the behaviors that contribute to the development of a healthy initiative and some of the ways I developed it in my own child. How each parent develops it is as different as each child and the important thing is that it is done so that a child knows it's all right to be their own selves and develops a healthy attitude toward trying things and self-esteem by allowing children to take the initiative to decide for themselves in an age appropriate way.

Building Initiative Through A Child's Environment

For a child to develop initiative the environment the child lives in and learns in should actively support the child's sincere effort to develop initiative. In order to support initiative the environment should provide the following opportunities. A child's environment needs to provide opportunities for discovery. For example, when I was raising my child we would take walks that gave her the opportunity to discover different textures, animals etc which would provide opportunities for her to discover initiative as she explored touching leaves, sand or petting a person's animal.

A child's environment should provide sensitive support. For example, my daughter never wanted to go sit on Santa's lap but she did want to stand by and watch as other children went and sat on his lap. I provided sensitive support of her initiative to get close by and watch but never participate. A child's environment should encourage friendships so when I was raising my daughter we would have her friends over for play dates and she went over to her friends house for play dates, birthday parties etc.

Children need time to play without being denied the opportunity to play due to misbehavior or schedules. To support initiative the environment should provide opportunities to plan and implement the child's plan. For example, when my child was eighteen months old we were going to go visit my oldest brother. I knew she would want to play for a while when waking up and that it couldn't just be us getting up and getting ready and out to the airport so I scheduled time for her to play into the schedule.  Parents should provide opportunities for children to learn about their bodies and how to use them in different ways. This is done through gross motor skills such as jump rope dancing etc. To provide my child with these opportunities I bought her jump rope, built obstacle courses and took her to the park.

Indoor activities support initiative in children and should empower children to develop initiative in socially appropriate ways and focus on safety and active supervision. Socially appropriate ways means not screaming at parents or children when a child wants something but asking in a kind way. For example if my child would scream at me or talk to me in a disrespectful way I would say, "I don't like it when you talk to me that way it makes me sad. Say can you help me please." I would then have her say the phrase and then help her or get her a drink etc. Safety and supervision means making  sure play equipment is used correctly and that parents don't go too long of a  length of time without checking on their child to see what they are doing. For example, my daughter used to like to sit on her easel but the part she liked to sit on folded in and out and I didn't want her to fall so I wouldn't let her sit on that part of it. I taught her to either sit in the chair that came with it or sit on the desk part of it that was more sturdy. I would also check on her every 15-30 minutes to see what she was doing. If she was in her room playing I would just peek in and make sure I knew what she was doing, that it was safe and she was all right and then I would walk away.

The outside environment helps in developing initiative because the outdoors allows children to explore, experiment, take risks, make mistakes and try again. For example, it allows a child to learn how to climb the stairs on the slide, ride a bike, get safely in and out of a pool, cross a street etc. Playgrounds or parks have different surfaces  that teach a child about textures such as grass, sand or wood chips. Sidewalks provide a safe place to ride bikes, walk away from traffic etc. All of these environments help teach children initiative as they choose what type of activity they want to do in their environment and parents help them by giving them safe, good choices to make and teach them about things in their environment that  might hurt them.

Language Development

It's during the infant/toddler years children begin to develop language. This begins with coos and child mimicking a sound a parent makes and moves onto babbling. To help develop a toddlers language skills a parent should find constructive  and sensitive ways to encourage language. Also encouraging any attempt to say a word shows a child encouragement to use their words. For example, when my child was at this age and learning to talk I would give her the words she needed to express herself. For example, when she brought me a book to read I would say, "Read please. Say read please." Instead of her just nodding her head yes that that is what she wanted I would first have her attempt to say, "Read please," before I would read the book to her even it it just came out as a jumble of sounds.

A second way a parent can encourage language is to use a variety of language in conversation and in word games. For example I knew poems that had hand gestures that I would recite to my daughter or if I needed her to wait until I finished doing what I was doing before I helped her I would say "Let me finish cutting the carrot up and then I'll open that for you." Then I would say, "Help me," then I would have her attempt to say it before I helped her.

Use language for a variety of purposes such as to give directions, encourage, while changing a diaper etc. How you speak in each of these situations is different and helps a child develop language. For example, when I changed my child's diaper I would say something such as, "Lets take this one off, now I'm going to clean your bottom, and now lets put a fresh one on," and when I was done and picking her up I would say, "All done. All clean." I would read to my child and put age appropriate music on to listen to. Both reading and music develop language skills because books and songs repeat sounds and syllables.

The last thing a parent can do to develop language is to understand the child will make what appears to be mistakes. A child will call a blanket a ba ba or something else and this is okay. A child knows the real name of the object but is still learning. Encourage any attempt to say a word. Do not insist they get it right and particularly not the first time as this can lead to stuttering. Your child will get it and they understand far more than they are expressing. At this stage it it about the attempt and the development of words not a child being able to say words. It's about developing their vocabulary not being able to say a word correctly yet. Around age three is when a parent can start correcting the way a child says words and having them say them correctly.

For example, my daughter would call my mom gwama and not grandma because when she first learned how to say the word grandma the gr sound  and the 'd' sound were hard for her to pronounce. When she turned three I knew she could say the gr and 'd' sound and had developed her language skills enough that she could pronounce it correctly. So when she turned three I didn't let her call my mom gwama anymore I would look at her say say grand-ma. I would have her repeat it correctly three times and then leave her alone. For 2-3 weeks she said the word grandma phonetically and then I had her say the word putting it together say "grandma." I would have her say the word correctly three times then leave her alone. This helped her learn how to say the word grandma correctly and I did the same thing with other words she had a hard time pronouncing until she pronounced each word correctly.

Your child is learning and growing and each child will meet the goals of these stages as they develop and use you as the parent as the secure environment needed to meet the goals of each developmental milestone. Language development is learned in a different way and rate for each child. As a parent  encourage  your children to use their words and praise any effort to say a word.