Positive Approaches With Preschool Age Children

William Damon, a researcher who followed in Piaget's steps, noticed that preschool age children regularly justify their social choices based on what they want. A preschool aged child's understanding of leadership is based on physical attributes- meaning bigger people such as parents or older children- should be the ones in charge simply because of their size. Where preschool aged children are focused on physical attributes they have little understanding of psychological motives, emotions and attitudes as causes of behavior whether it be theirs or someone else's.

Parents and other adults may assume preschool children understand social and behavioral issues in the same way adults do because of how verbal they are, but this isn't true. Redirecting behavior when it's in appropriate rather than focusing on what's occurred that may be wrong, is as effective in this age range as it is at the toddler age. If a parent states expectations clearly and simply a preschool age child will more often than not follow the parent's request. It's important for parents to make sure their expectations are reasonable. For example, if a parent asks a four year old to go put their clean laundry away, the child will do it because the instruction to go put you clean clothes away is clear, simple and the expectation is reasonable. It's reasonable because the child is old enough to understand what go put your clothes away  means, because hopefully a parent around the age of two or three has already taught the child how to put their clean clothes away. If the instruction is make your own lunch, that's an unreasonable request for a parent to give a four year old because a four year old doesn't know what to do or how to do it and doesn't have the dexterity skills yet to make their own lunch. This is why it's important to keep expectations age appropriate.

Positive Approaches to Use With Toddlers

Positive approaches give toddlers support and safety. Positive approaches to use with toddlers include modeling appropriate behavior, stating exactly what the behavior is, helping toddlers resolve differences, patient redirection, avoid saying no unless for an important reason and recognizing when toddlers declare 'No' are all a part of developing a healthy autonomy.

Redirection and providing appropriate alternatives work in most situations. Erikson's philosophy was that although toddlers struggle for independence they also need to know parents will protect them when they go too far. Helping toddlers focus and pay attention includes letting children move throughout the day and learn how their bodies work. When parents allow toddlers to solve their own problems this helps them move toward adequate autonomy.

Toddlers change almost every day and as parents help them gain autonomy and independence by teaching them how to be competent and learn appropriate rules of behavior, toddlers will internalize the rules of what appropriate behavior is socially acceptable.

What Erikson Thought Was The Main Challenge For Toddlers

Erik Erikson has the opinion that the main challenge for children between eighteen months and three years is to gain autonomy and independence. This includes using words such as 'No' and 'Mine.' Erikson views this struggle for toddlers as a conflict between their individual need to be competent and social and their need to accept limits and learn behavioral rules. When toddlers are placed in a supportive, safe environment, Erikson believes this would increase the chances of fostering a healthy self-concept. He says this requires a parent's patience and a sense of humor. It requires patience and a sense of humor because toddlers are difficult to deal with. A toddler may be hungry and decide to get food on their own. When this happens it takes patience as the parent allows them to choose what they want and teaches them how to make what they want (for example toast). It requires humor because your two year old may have made a mess of the kitchen while trying to get them something to eat. The parent may walk into the kitchen to find it a mess and their child a mess from trying to get something to eat. The situation requires humor as the parent laughs at the mess in the kitchen and the mess their child is rather than getting mad at them.

When a parent uses a negative approach to a toddlers challenge to gain autonomy and independence it affects a child's behavior. When harsh punishment, ignoring disputes between children, humiliating them, becoming involved in power struggles with them or constantly correcting a toddler without giving them an alternative occurs, this affects a child's behavior in negative ways. This affects behavior in negative ways because when a child is disciplined using harsh punishment this affects their self-esteem and their self-worth. For example, if a parent gets mad at a child because of the mess they made in the kitchen and of themselves while getting them something to eat, this makes a child feel bad. They're trying to be grown up and get  food like mom and dad and when a parent gets mad at them for this it can destroy their self-esteem as they feel they did something wrong and destroy their self-worth as they feel they did something bad or wrong.

When a child is humiliated it shames a child and they may stop trying new things or trying all together. When a parent becomes involved in a power struggle with a child it's about the parent, what the parent wants and why and them controlling not only the child but the situation and its outcome. The parents own lack of security is showing and parenting becomes about the parent not the child. When a parent corrects a child without giving them an alternative the child begins to see themselves as bad and everything they do and are as bad. For example, if a child cleans the bathroom but leaves dirt on the sink and tub and the parent gets mad at them for it. If a parent corrects them by saying, "Look at all the dirt you left, clean it again and do it right this time, " a child may see themselves as a bad child  or that they did something that was bad. The child didn't do anything bad and isn't a bad person. A parent needs to teach them what it means to clean the bathroom and how to clean it. Children need to be taught everything!

Discipline vs Guidance

Discipline is a phrase that indicates enforcement of positive behavior through strict guidelines and control and is usually connected to punishment and rewards. Discipline is based on the expectation that children should have prior knowledge of acceptable behavior and punishment should occur if they don't follow the rules. Discipline, however, can be used in a different sense. Discipline can be used with a meaning that is more closely related to positive discipline which is guidance.

Guidance is probably the most common phrase defining what is expected of those who care for and teach children. When parents guide children, they show them how to behave appropriately through direction, suggestion, improvement and modeling. Ideas for appropriate guidance techniques are: observe when children are being good and express gladness when they've participated in appropriate behavior. For example, when a child is upset they had to come home from playing at a friends house because they were having fun, and the child come home anyway- a parent can express their gladness that the child came home anyway by saying, "I know you were having a lot of fun at your friends house. Thank you for coming home when I asked so I didn't have to get mad at you. I appreciate it.

A parent models acceptance, patience, courtesy, helpfulness and is sensitive  and supportive of children who are less experienced with emotional regulation or have specific behavior challenges. For example, when a child wants to pour the milk into their cereal bowl, accept that they want to try it and let them. Be patient with them while they try and help them by holding the bottom of if so the can turn it all the way over in order for it to pour out while maintaining control of the milk jug.

A third technique for appropriate guidance can be shown when children show pride in doing a task. A parent can join in with the child in being proud of them. A parent can use, use facial expressions and an acceptance voice to build a sense of acceptance and trust that they're there to support and understand a child's development of autonomy. Another technique parents can use to provide appropriate guidance is to tell children what you want them to do. "I want you to speak kindly to me please." A fifth technique is to physically hold a child who is out of control. This will help calm them and relax their bodies and allow them to give in to any emotion they may be feeling. An example of this is when a child is screaming and sometimes throwing things. Pick the child up, hold them close to your body and don't let go until they've exhausted all of the emotion they're feeling.

Holding a child when they're out of control works with most children, however, there are some children where it makes things worse. When dealing with a child whose upset but doesn't want to be touched respect that and stay where you can see what the child is doing so they don't cause harm to themselves or others and stay close enough to see what they're doing until they calm down. They will usually then come to you when they've calmed down and are ready for interaction again.

The Balanced Approach

Two specific behaviors that develop between ages one and three are tantrums and biting. Children use them as a way to gain power and control. A parent needs to use sensitivity and warmly guide a child when these behaviors are shown. An approach that can be used to direct these behaviors is the balanced approach to guidance which helps young children become associated to the culture they live in. The balanced approach includes a parent showing respect for the child's emotional needs, respect for individual differences, respect for power of development and respect for self.

For example, if a child is mad because they didn't get ice cream while out running errands, a parent needs to show respect for the child's emotion of sadness and anger that they're feeling for not getting the ice cream and being angry at the parent for not getting the ice cream. A parent can say, "I understand it makes you sad that you can't have ice cream and I understand it makes you mad at mommy." The parent shows respect for the individual differences by saying, "I know you wanted ice cream but we have some at home you can have after dinner."

A parent shows respect for power of development by acknowledging the child is changing and growing. For example, a parent respects a child's power of development by letting them brush their teeth when they tell the parent they want to do it instead of insisting they as the parent do it. A parent helps a child have respect for self by showing the child unconditional love, listening to them and accepting their child's capabilities.

Nine Suggestions of How to Approach Conflict

Margaret Keyser works in conflict transformation and uses her experience to transform conflict in schools, churches and governments. Margaret calls conflict between family member's mutual conflicts because they take communication, participation and negotiation on the part of all family members to solve. Examples of conflicts could be a child wants to stay inside all day while the parent want the child to be outside or a child wants macaroni and cheese for dinner when spaghetti was made. Keyser mentions three areas conflicts fall under. Conflicting parent and child needs, differing views of how to do something or what to do, and poor communication.

Margaret Keyser gives nine suggestions of how to approach these conflicts. First, listen and ask open ended questions. Second, restate and reframe the child's ideas, third, find common ground, fourth state your position, ideas and feelings, fifth give appropriate information, sixth give the child time to respond, seventh outline the conflict as comprising  equally valid viewpoints, eighth invite, discuss and choose possible solutions, and ninth set up a time to check back in.

For example, if a child asks if they can go to a friends' house, the parent asks open ended questions such as, "what time are you going there, what time will you be home, how are you getting there and home?" To restate and reframe the situation the parent then says, "Okay, so you want to go to Sally's house and need me to take you to Sally's at two, but Sally's mom will drop you off at home when she takes Sally to tennis practice around 4." If this is okay you've found common ground, if not you need to find it by stating your position. "It's fine if you go over to Sally's house at two, but I need to pick you up at 3:30 because we have to pick up your sibling from friends house and get sibling to piano lessons and you to the library to volunteer at four." Give the child time to respond and invite their ideas and discuss any ideas they may have of how to get everyone where they need to be. They may have an idea that works better than yours. Sometimes children think of thing we haven't as we're hurrying around town trying to get our children everywhere they need to be.

To discuss problems and solve problems using these nine suggestions helps parents and children be able to solve problems without feelings being hurt. These suggestions also help find where common ground is in a situation and helps both perspectives be seen and heard. This will lead to parents and children having a healthy, warm relationship built on love and respect.

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