9 factors concerning separation anxiety

There are nine factors of separation anxiety a parent needs to focus on in order to make separation as easy as possible. The first one is that parents need to plan to spend time with their children in a new setting in  order to help them with the transition. The new setting can be a new child care center, Grandma and Grandpa's house or an Aunt or Uncle's house. To the children, all of these places are new unless they visit frequently. A child will stay by the parent in the new setting because the parent gives the child somebody who is safe while they explore the new enviornment. Don't push the child, let them do it at their own rate.

The second factor of separation anxiety is that the babysitter, Grandma, Aunt, Uncle etc should  provide the parents with specific ideas for the separation process. For example, Grandma can tell the parents to tell the child good-bye, then Grandma is going to take the child to see the new coloring book they bought for the child. The third factor is that the parents should gradually move away from the child. A parent will do this naturally-it's instinct. Parents move away slowly to check on the child every few feet and make sure they're doing all right.

The fourth factor is that parents should leave immediately once they say good-bye. This is hard if the child is screaming or reaching for the parent, but staying only drags the process out and makes the separation harder. Go ahead and leave and ask the babysitter, Grandma whomever to call or text you when the child has calmed down. This eliviates the worry the parents are feeling and they then know the child is fine and can enjoy themselves or concentrate on work. The fifth factor is to ask your children if it's all right that you leave.This seems silly but it's important. When parents ask if they can leave they're showing respect to their child and their feelings.

The sixth factor of separation anxiety is to not shame your child and to make sure the babysitter, Grandparents or anyone else doesn't either. To shame a child dismisses how they feel and how they feel is important and real. The emotions they're feeling are real and intense. Acknowledge them and reassure them that you as the parents will be back and when- after dinner, before bedtime, whenever it may be. The seventh factor is that the babysitter, Grandma or whoever is taking care of the child should offer to call, text or send an email to say how the child adjusted and reassure the parent the child is fine.

The eighth factor is that sometimes parents need help making the transition and separating from the child. When this happens don't be afraid to ask for help to make the separation. Also, realize that when this is occuring, that the only thing to do may be to hug the child, give them a kiss, hand them over to whoever will be taking care of them in your absence and leave and know that they're going to be fine. The ninth factor is to get reassurance that you still have a strong bond with your child. Sometimes a child spends so much time at day care, with a nanny, a family member who is taking care of the child while the parents work, that the parents begin to feel the child has a better relationship with the other caregiver than with them. Be reassured this only will happen if you pull away from the child, stop spending quality time with them and stop trying to have a relationship with them.

Separating from your child will always be hard. You love your child and the child loves you. It will never be easy to be apart. Use these nine factors to make separating as easy as possible and know you'll reunite by the end of the day.

Separation anxiety

 Separation anxiety can occur at any age however, it's during the infant/toddler years when children experience the highest level of separation anxiety. There are three reasons why children don't like separating from their parents. The first one is they enjoy being with their parents so when they leave it makes them sad. The second reason is because they're attached to their parents. They've formed a bond with their parents and know their needs will be met. The third reason is because the babysitter, child care giver, whoever is unknown to the child. This causes children anxiety as they wonder whether they'll be taken care of and if the unknown person will do everything the parents do to take care of them. This is why the first thing a caregiver needs to do is gain the trust of the child. Once a caregiver has earned the child's trust the caregiver can help build competence, confidence and self-assurance in the child.

Separation and attachment are affirmations of love. The attachment a child has with a parent seems to be an effective way of dealing with stress. When a child feels stress they can handle it better because of the attachment they have to their parents because the attachment provides a sense of security and safety to the child. An example of this is when a new baby is born or the family moves to a new home. Either of these events can affect how  a child deals with separation. When a situation occurs that affects a child's sense of security they need to learn nothing has changed with their relationship to their parents. Once a child knows this they can feel secure and safe again and their emotions lower to a level more appropriate for the child's age.

Next time we'll discuss the nine factors a parent needs to address concerning separation anxiety.

Six dimensions of parenting

Jay Belsky  is an expert in child development and family studies. He is the director of child study and human development at Tufts University. He came up with six dimensions of parenting. The first one is attentiveness which is paying attention to your child. Children need attention and LOTS of it and will often demand it. An infant demands it when they cry, an older child may put their hands on a parents face and move the parents face so that the parent is looking at them, a primary grade age child may simply say, "Mom/Dad pay attention to me or Look at me or Watch me." Regardless of the way the child gets a parents attention the child will get the parents attention.

The second dimension is physical contact which is holding and cuddling an infant. As they grow children will come sit on a parents lap uninvited and move what's in the way in order to sit. Physical contact helps teach children about how to treat people. For example if a parent uses physical abuse to show love, the child learns love is shown through abuse. If a parent gives hugs and kisses and cuddles with the child, the child learns love is expressed through hugs, kisses and cuddles. They then learn to treat people the say way.

The third dimension is verbal stimulation which is talking to them. Even as an infant a parent should be talking to their child. This is the beginning of learning how to socialize and that people take turns to speak. A child then learns to speak using words and parents wonder why they spent so much time and effort getting them to speak because now their children won't be quiet! Children have many important things to say to parents. It sounds like unimportant things to parents because they're things the parents have already learned, but to the child it's all new and they want to share it with the parents. Take time to listen to them. Put all electronics down and listen to them! When parents are talking to children, this is when they learn whether or not what they have to say is important to the parents. If the parent is on an electronic device, the child learns whatever is on the device is more important than them and what the're saying. Please don't send this message!

The fourth dimension is material stimulation which is interactions with toys. What looks like playing to a parent is actually a child learning. Materials, whether they be toys or natural such as leaves, teaches children about their environment and teaches them skills as they learn how to turn a toy on or off or learn how to put the pieces of a puzzle in the right space. The fifth dimension is responsive care which is responding to a child's cries and needs. A child has many activities they need responded to during the day. They need to have their request for food filled, they need help opening the door, bandaging an injury, a response to go play with a friend, the list is literally endless. How a parent responds will teach a child how to respond. If a parent is always short-tempered, when the parent asks the child for something, the child will be short-tempered. Please try to respond with kindness and patience but also forgive yourself for those times when you don't.

The last dimension is restrictiveness which is putting restrictions or conditions on what you'll do  for your child or what you allow your child to do for themselves. The restrictions a parent puts on their child will affect the child's self-esteem and whether they try new things or at all. If a parent constantly tells a child  they'll do something but 'only if' they do something for them first the child learns to put conditions on things particularly love. If a parent doesn't let a child learn to do things for themselves such as eat, the child learns they can't do things for themselves and may stop trying.

The first five of these dimensions have positive affects on children's emotional, social and intellectual development. The last dimension is negative. As you be a parent to your child keep these dimensions in mind as you help your children grow and develop.

infants growth

Infants come into the world not knowing how to do anything. All needs need to be taken care of by the parents and other significant adults in the child's life. As the child grows the child meets certain milestones and slowly starts to learn to do things on their own. For example an infant learns to roll over from their back to their stomach. The first few times this is done it's done by mistake and usually the infant has pushed up against a toy or furniture to help them roll over. This may scare an infant the first few times they do it, but then they learn to do it on purpose and they learn it's a natural thing to do.

The first year of a child's life is about learning how their body works and how to move it. The parents roll in the first year is to make sure the child's basic needs are met and that they're safe. Making sure a child's basic needs are met means feeding, changing diapers, cuddling and playing with them etc. Making sure they're safe means having a car seat that meets regulations, outlets are covered and that they have a safe environment for them to move around in that will help them meet the milestones they need to meet during the first year.

A milestone infants reach is babbling. Babbling and making sounds is the beginning of vocabulary and speaking. It starts with an infants cries. Infants have four cries that help them express what they want. The first one is the basic cry that has intervals of silence such as a child stops when they see the bottle, but if the parent doesn't give it to them right away they start crying again. The second cry is the angry cry that occurs when an infant is angry about something. The third cry is the pain cry that is usually a long wail followed by the infant not breathing because they're holding their breathe. The fourth cry is the hungry cry and it has an urgency to it.

A lot of times as children are taking the initiative to meet a milestone parents freak out because the child is still dependent on them. Where children come into the world not knowing how to do anything parents forget that children need to learn to do things for themselves and often it takes a doctor, caregiver or extended family member to ask if the child is doing something for the parent to realize that the child should be doing the task themselves. Don't feel guilty it's a pattern all parents fall into because parent's are so used to doing everything for the child. Therefore, we forget that the child should be learning to feed themselves, pull themselves to a standing position, walk around a table holding onto for it support etc.

When my child was three I was folding the laundry and started to put her clothes away like I always had since she was born when I realized she was old enough to start doing this for herself. I stopped putting her clothes away and called her into the room and taught her how to put her clothes away. Parents shouldn't be afraid of letting their children do things for themselves. When children learn to do things for themselves such as roll over they learn the beginnings of how to move their bodies. When a child learns how to put their clothes away they learn the basics of organization. All  parents get in the rut of doing everything for their children because in the beginning we have to. As they grow and become capable of doing more themselves let them be the capable human beings they are. Often the tantrums that start around the age one begin and occur because the parents are still trying to do too much for them instead of letting the child do more on their own.

Goals parents have for children vs children's goals

The goals parents have for their children can differ from the goals the children have for themselves. Goals are reinforced by parents and challenged by children. The goals children have for themselves change as they are exposed to friends, their community and even the media. Goals also change as children learn what they're good at and what interests them. For example a parent may want a child to be interested in playing a sport when the child is interested in the theater. The things parents want their children to be interested in can also pertain to food. I had a parent once tell me she wanted her child to like peas because she did. A child will like the kinds of foods and extracurricular activities that they will like and it's the responsibility of the parents to encourage and talk to the child about how they can help the child reach the goals they have.

I've been dealing with this some lately. My child just started college last week. During the process of applying I asked a sibling to help my child fill out a few forms that were complicated. I asked this sibling to help because it was related to what they do for a living so I knew it would be easier for this sibling to help than for me and my child to try to figure it out ourselves. Asking the sibling to help though became the sibling helping my child accomplish what my sibling wants for my child.

My siblings are really happy and excited for my child and where she's going to college and see a bright future for her, because it is. However, my siblings help became an 'I'm so happy and excited for her I'm going to make it all happen for her,' situation. It became 'I want this for her and this for her and since I know what I'm doing I'm going to do it all for her and she'll accomplish and be everything I want her to be and do.'

My child's future isn't about what my siblings want for her and them helping her accomplish it. My child's future is about what she wants to do and be and accomplish and her doing and being and accomplishing those things. She's going to a good school that will help her with all of that. Sometimes in our excitement and happiness for our children (or someone else's) we go overboard trying to help them accomplish what we see their path opening up to be. Our children's future's are about them, not us as the parents, grandparents, aunts or uncles. We can support and as parents it's our responsibility to guide, help and support our children to accomplish their goals. The key words and phrase though is their goals. When we make our children's future about us (or when another person makes a child's future about them) we risk doing damage to our relationship with them that we need to be sure we want to do. We also risk the child having a future they're not happy in and with.

Support, guide and help your children become who they want to become and accomplish what they want to accomplish in life because their lives are about them not the parents.

Father's

I've been thinking lately about two of my co-workers at the first center I worked at. One was a single mother of three children who slept around at lot and would bring these men home to be around her children. The other one was married to her husband for a number of years and shortly after she had her third child left him. She would talk about how stupid he was and how he didn't know how to do anything. She talked about how she wanted her freedom and to be able to sleep with whoever she wanted. From what I saw when he would come and pick his children up he was a good person. He was kind and sweet. She would talk about how he helped out at home and would let her sleep in while he took the kids. When she told me she left him I not only was shocked but mad. How could she leave this man who was so good to her? We often talk about how it's the man who does the woman wrong and how women leave because the man is no good. This wasn't the case in this situation. I was mad because she had no clue what her life as a single parent was about to become. She had no idea what she had in her husband and what a good person he was and how she was making it so that it would never be possible to make things right as far as she could.

Why do women do this? Why do they sleep with every man who comes along and put these men in our children's lives and leave a good relationship so that we can have freedom and sleep with anyone we want? Our children need their father's. They're important. We can be strong, independent women and still- for lack of another way to put it- need a man.

I've also been thinking lately of one specific father. He was the father of one of the children I had at the second center I worked at. Their child was their first and for financial reasons the wife needed to work. It was really hard on her because she wanted to be home with their child and couldn't be. One day he came to me and told me how much he appreciated everything I was doing to help his wife through having to have their child there at the center.  He told me how I had made things easier for her and it was making having to go to work easier on her. He told me about his struggle that his wife had to work and how badly he felt that she had to work because he couldn't provide for them so that she could. He thanked me for everything I was doing to make it easier for her. This man was almost in tears. I could see how much he loved his wife and how it hurt him that he couldn't provide well enough yet to have her home with their child. Father's struggle with many of the same things mother's do. Yet it seems like the mother's get more support.

 I told this father that I was glad that I was making things easier for his wife and him and told him to let me know what else I could to help and support his family because that's what I was there to do. Father's need support too because so many of them are trying really hard to be good husbands and father's. What I do is make provide a safe, nurturing place for children to be while their parents are at work. Who I hopefully am is someone parents can trust with their children so they can go to work, do what they need to and not worry about their children.

Park Etiquette

Sorry I haven't posted in so long. I finished a bachelor's degree in early childhood education administration in April and since then I've been working on a book about parenting and putting parenting classes together to teach. This has kept me busy. I'm at the point where I'm cleaning up the classes and will be able to put the technical part of teaching them together so I can actually teach them.

Today the little boy I take care of during the day and I went to the park. There was a group of moms sitting on the grass while their children played. However, they weren't paying any attention to them. They were sitting on the grass talking and not supervising their children. One of the children pushed another child playing at the park and one child stood at the swing screaming the word, "mom' for ten minutes before the mom came over to see what the child wanted. Parents, I understand you need 'mommy' time and need to have a conversation with someone who can talk in more than a two or three word sentence, but please don't ignore your children. The park is a great place to take your children and let them play and get their energy out but they still need supervision.

Unspoken rules of park:
1. Supervise your children
2. Discipline your children when needed
3.Take turns on equipment including slides, swings and other equipment
4. If you bring a toy from home be willing to share it

Thank you!